"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time."

well, howdidoo fellow humans and bloggers and readers and whatevers. i'm here again. where was i? in my head, predominantly. i hate being an emotional and mental deficient, but i am one chemically, so whoopdidoo, the deficiency was rampant and rumbuctious in the last, i dunno, month and a week? yes, these things do happen.

ha, so what had been happening with me? i say again 'not much', because physical happenings are almost non-existent, and psychically i've been feeling as drained as a squeezed grape in a vinery, and mentally it's all been a bit of a standstill (like a pothole, only filled with useless sand). perhaps i should be apologizing (as i've now opened up my tags). but what for? abandoning you? in essence, you haven't really made yourself known to me, have you now? i just get hits, and as much as i like them, it is an abuse because you don't at least let me know what the fist or hand looks like. come on, people! respond! don't be just a peeping tom and watch without fear. let me know who you are!!

so. these past weeks have been a battle. a battle of time, will and health. you might not think it when you look at me, but i stress, i'm a tumbling waterfall over jagged rocks on the inside. it's all about fear, a fear of failure, of not being able to create my imaginings, my worth not living up to my ideals. yes yes, woe is me and all, but fuck off if you complain now and keep reading. i swear you would do the same thing as i am if only for a little recognition of one's condition, and some sympathy. but i think i lost my point. ah yes, fear. fear is a crippling thing. it's a sad thing. it's an everything. i think why i'm afeared is of the capability i might have, and the expectations that would come from success and completion. i'm not sure how other artists do it. you read so much about how they keep on doing and doing and constantly revising and experimenting until they have a whole store cupboard of failures and one success hanging in a dinky frame (well, painting is the easiest metaphor to use here). aah, it's a sad day when you can't have courage, or faith, or hope in yourself. you can have the love of your family, and maybe the love of your friends or partners, but that's minimal compared to self-love. where's the well of narcissus when you need it?

(yes, i am going down my tags here). ah, he community of the cva. all is quiet, all is still. i've coincidentally (and happily) missed the stress of the undergraduate final prep week before examination. i'm glad. they've been really stressed and really nasty this term, like cats after they've been spayed. it's not them as persons acting their natures, more like the environment pressing down on them and causing them to exude this horrible emotional mess of a person. BUT, as i said, i missed the big stress, and only witnessed a little bit of the before, so next semester is going to be interesting to watch over with the even shorter time frame. community-wise: really, is it just me being completely snooty and unapproachable, or is the undergrads that are being snooty and completely unapproachable? or are we afraid of each-other? the cva is generally cold (no central heating, just little wall-mounted heaters that smell like over-tumbled washing), but it feels as if the people are getting colder. i know i'm unapproachable: my mood swings are hectic, even for those who've known me long, and i guess i don't present a ready stereotype (read: IMAGE) for them to build a judgement on, but still... maybe i should make the effort? have you seen the first and second years?? hahaha, yes, i have made my argument redundant, yada yada...

i have now an official label for my work and myself as an artist for my MAFA work: an experimental animator. yes yes, i know i've made these big fights about lecturers putting me into boxes of their mediums, or their ideas of what i should do, but (i HATE that word!), now knowing where i stand, i know where i can go: i know the limits of my map! i know where the dragons are, and the done and contentious issues at either pole, and now i have to scout my way and make my own road. yeha! it's freeing, actually, knowing what i am for a while. i know my limitations, mainly that i have no bounds!! bwahaha, that is more scary than knowing my subject limits.

now here's a topic we're all shy about: privacy. know what i mean? how far am i willing to go in this blog about what i do and say and am? pretty far, i think. i'll tell you about me, my opinions, my ideas, and i'll moan about people or family. but some things i know will create an even bigger frenzy were i to say them, so i won't, so if you do want to start pestering me about that stuff, know that i'm not going to tell you! otherwise, our little room (for digital masters) has been hijacked as a storeroom for the undergraduate examinations. we not have tables, chairs and a noticeboard occupying our space, it's okay, it needs to e done, but honestly, i wish they would build or designate an area which is a storeroom! then they could put all the sculpture pedestals out of damaging and dirtying ways, and get rid of the excess easels that take up a whole studio space. free the cva from clutter! oh, wait, can't do that, that's part of being an artist: clutter, not dirt. gah...

ah, so i'm reading all my tags, and what else can i write about? portfolio? project? oh, wait! yes, i do have some projects on the be and by! i'm reading scott mcloud's books about comics, and they're absolutely brill! love that man's way of explaining, he is a true genius. anyway, it's got me thinking again about comics and wanting to do my own, and the one blog that's been vacant for so long (the abstract shoppe - tag is TAS). gawd, to get the storyline and all the characters coherent! i'm not good for solid, through-and-through storylines: i write everything in fragments. and i'm not that great of a drawer. but dammit! janet! i need to try! hee, okay, i promised myself i wouldn't add anymore projects to my quota, but it's exciting, and one that's been in the cogs for a few years. that, and HAK, they need to be *done* the end of this year for editing! OMG, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAAA...

okay, enough maniacal laughing. i'm such a planner, but not much of a do-er. i have such bright sparks of ideas, but then i never separate the flames, and i end up with a burnt mess, rather than little lamps of light and spirit. i guess i'm sick in that way.

on that note, good noon to you all, and i hope to read some of you. should i set up an email for this blog, then would you write me? comment on this post if you do!!


see more Gifs

You're supposed to mind the sheep, not eat them

my flat is clean! ok, not of dust-bunnies, but i've finally gotten the installation mess out of the flat and into my small room in clay. so, mega YAY, i don't have to keep tripping over things.

my arms are sore! this week has been killer on my stamina. i've carried 4 dead pc towers up to varsity this week, plus 2 bags of sundry junk. what's left is my tools at home that i will cart up here on the days i work on my installations, but otherwise stay at home.

me head is warped! i don't know if you've ever experienced this kind of dreaming: you're between reality and fantasy. it's hyperreal. it's like you're experiencing life on acid, or other uppers. everything is so viviv, so potent, but you're uneasy because something is not quite right. it's perhaps what delusions are like: so real, so here, so impossible. it's exhausting, and i've been having them this whole past week. my routine isn't drastically changed or altered: still on the same meds, trying to keep to an 11pm curfew, blah blah.

ok, enough of the exclamation marks. it's time for me to go, late and all. whoa is the reader that expects something that i don't remember to bring, or don't have the energy to continue.

chow all.

"it is the calm and silent water that drowns a man"

IT'S POURING!!!!! omgs, where the hell did this storm come from? it's like mega-shock with thunder and RAIN!!! fck, i don't know if i should switch off. hold that thought.

alright, been advised by teak to switch off in here since we don't have surge protector machine thingys.

see you all tomorrow!

"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!"

so starts the quotes title chapter of my blog.

hello again everybody. it's been a horrible, strange and unfileable last two weeks. i have been predominantly exhausted by who-knows-what, possibly stress, possibly a sleep demon, possibly nerves, i'm not sure at all. it's been blah, and i have wanted to curl up and hibernate for most of it. this week is a slightly different version of the last two weeks: i dub it the 'lady austen' week. yeah, should say enough.

so. the clay issue. as usual, the whole mater was completely blown out of proportion in my world (by me of course). the fact was that pasta as a teacher needed the whole room, due her's for respect and her position, and they wanted me to move out to show her that due. i had a talk (and apology) with primrose, and he's allowed me to have a small space, as long as i show i'm using it, and am around for assessment and looking. the 3rd years and other undergrads are giving me these 'infringement' looks, but i'll work on them with my personality (if not that, my hammer and noises, lol).
so, i'm going to be in three places every week: home or library for research, cva for digital and 2d stuff, clay for installation and sculpture. whew, just stating it makes me feel stretched out too thin, but this is what i fought for, and damnit, i will fight my body for it to happen too.

what will i be doing in clay? well... do you remember the installation project i mentioned earlier, the northern model? i'm going to be totally expanding on that. i'm planning on using the infrastructure of pc towers to make a hybrid world of dollhouses, between cyber culture and classic porcelain culture (and other clays). i'm wanting to develop my modeling and technical skills in clay and metalworks. i've realized just a little before too late, that this and next year i need to develop skills that can be used in realistic jobs. so: LOTS OF CATCHING UP!!! cva work is gonna be killer too, 'cause i need to up the skilling in photoshop, flash, illustrator and corel. yeesh. and i'm including painting in the whole mess too. yes, i'm crazy. haven't you realized this yet?

let me clarify what the projects/specific artings are:
klava - installations = pc towers + clay models = dollhouses
teak - digital 2D = flash animations + photoshop posters + corel paintings = masters animation
riff (myself) - HAK = book + scene paintings & portfolio experimentation

lots of luck and perseverance is needed for 2011 and 2012. but, i have my family and those i respect outside my family to help me along. if only i could get the sandman on my side, sheesh, i need some coherent sleep!

ok, that's enough for today. kinda catch-up, kinda preview. i'll be taking photos this week of my studio spaces so you can get an idea of what i'm working in/with, but that's about it for photos.

thanks for reading, and chow

break/brake life

hi all.

i'm sorry to announce that this blog and i will be on hiatus until next tuesday (12 April 2011). i'm sorry that i didn't tell you sooner, but i've been having a very interesting AND very rough two weeks, and i've had days i don't want to whinge/whine to you about, and days that i choose not to tell you about because the are mine to keep.

hopefully i will be recovered enough by next tuesday to report once again on projects and life. bear with me.

chow

slight unconfusion

i'm getting now what teak is saying about her project.
using the language of cinema, and being conscious of the cinematic tools you're using, make something that reflects the theme in the medium you choose.
so i'm going to attempt to build a 3D zoetrope, something like the 'My Neighbour Totoro' zoetrope designed by Studio Ghibli, and the Toy Story version by Pixar, using my cat from my original master's idea of a ghost cat visiting his owner.
here's a clip so you know what i mean:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVX_cSXIXig

we have 7 weeks to do it, which means i need my clay now, damnit! i bought a new lock with extra keys so i can go in on weekends and work, and/or get my stuff without waiting for 'security' to let me in, grumble grumble, but pasta isn't around today, so i smsed her and HOPEFULLY i can get in by friday, if not, then next week. gah, it makes me so irritated.
at least i seem to be defining myself by handbuilding things. i'm grateful that that is becoming clearer in my head. now i just want my clay, wah!!

how else is life? check out my deviant page, FINALLY have a new piece up! Here's the link, and if that doesn't work, go to my deviants under links.

http://Datec.deviantart.com/art/Self-portrait-3-Selves-202897856

i don't know. is today productive? seems to be. i'm excited again, yay! maybe 'the northern model' has been bring me down. it's becoming that pink elephant in my flat, i can tell you that. it's... annoying me. i want to do other things... uh oh, the manic energy of 'i can do anything' is seeping in, which means NOTHING will get done. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

chow amigos. i need to get some food in me to settle this manic energy down. see you... tomorrow! yip, i'll be in thursday, and probably friday too. what a shocker!

bye

small words are still overwhelming

yip, sorry folks for the lack of thur/fri update. honestly, i woke up on friday and felt like a vampire recovering from sun exposure (i wasn't sunburned, but it was those kind of symptoms).

the only thing to report anew is a new project by teak, something to do with the language of film in a 2D animation or still medium, but i'm really lost on it. so tomorrow after our theory lecture, i have to go see her for a re-explanation and discussion of ideas.

that's all folks. sorry.

we are the lords and ladies of our own demise

nerves are very evident and prominent over here.
i forgot to tell you that yesterday, i sent a very irate and pissed email to pins about my old space in the clay studio. basically, me venting like shit and asking what the heck is going on. and now i've heard from teak that it has been forwarded to all the lecturers. holy shit. holy shit shit shit merde!!! i'm about to read the reply i got back from pins, so wait (in a metaphorical sense) for me to respond blogly.

well. that could have gone better. it's a bit stiff and formal, which is unlike her (which worries me), but it doesn't help me. pins says to talk to my supervisor (wait, do we have one? NO, not yet. i understood from the beginning of the digital postgrad seminars that we'd only be getting them after this semester because the lecturers want us to settle in and find our groove first before we start planning out practical and theory work), and if that doesn't work, our academic supervisor. hmm...

the point here is that all my arguments sound whiny even though they're not. i'm really unsure what to do now. in all honesty, i want to go home and sniffle myself to sleep, and get my parents to fight this one for me. but i shouldn't have to fight. i should be able to talk to these lecturers as student to lecturer, giving and receiving respect, and having my words valued as adult (sensible and reasonable). i should not have this fear of these blurred lines that has been created student to teacher. i am a firm believer of people being respected for their higher learning and authority, and dealing with that person on that intelligentsia class system (a bit like the japanese honour system, just a little less rigid). i blame a lot of my relations with people on self-esteem issues i've had in the past. my old piano teacher, aam, who yelled and belittled me for not getting my piece and practising right. the expectations and stereotypes of being an early developer. issues with the paternal side of my family. some of my teachers in high school that were leering perverts. an incident in my early childhood that has made me feel distant and frigid with friends and family.

now, i expect some readers are thinking "oh gawd, another whiner and pity-me party". well, that's me. that's what this blog is about: your perception of me. i want your views and opinions on what you read. i want your subjective view on my subjective material. why would you be reading this blog if you didn't want to peak into someone else's life?

so, i end this blog on a tear-clogged throat. i won't be in tomorrow, will be working at home, so i'll see you on friday with some pictures of last year's projects.

bye

l8888888888888888888888

yeah, figure that title out.

nothing to report on newness. been working on the northern model, battling to sleep (though having very kiff dreams!), stagnating on HAK (there is only so much oomph before you run out of steam).

below (in the visual diary section) are 2 photos of the progress of the northern model. i know that they're not much, but hopefully it gives you an idea of what the heck i'm talking about.

what else? spoke with a fellow blogspotter about doing the 3D stereoscopic project, and he's keen! so awesome! going to be a hell of a time, though, creating the whole shoot, because i've got to get hand models (yip, that's right: hand models, like duchovny in zoolander).

so i'll leave you with this little bit. please don't be shy, and write me some lines. getting a bit lonely being miss cellophane.

chow

have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

hi all.

well, i'm not sure what i'm thinking with that subject title. it's been bugging me since wednesday, and then i remembered/googled that it was from one of the batman films. it's kinda eerie; the quote i mean. but i can't put my finger on the reason why.

so, what's been happening? a little stagnation, and trepidation. you ever have that mix of feelings when you design something in your head (even if it's an outfit for work or a recipe for dinner, i'm not talking just art) that you actually become fearful of putting/trying it reality, because you don't know if it'll be true to your vision or just not work? ja, that's what's happening over here. i have only one tower for 'the northern model', and i don't want to keep punching holes in it unnecessarily, 'cause i only have one. aw merde, i promised you photos! can you wait for next tuesday? i've been taking them on my cell, and i have to transfer them to a memory stick and then adjust and label them for flickr... ugh, what a hassle it is to keep records of your progress. but if you don't, you don't get marked.

last night turned into a bit of a long one. i think my muse is narcoleptic: the fits of creativity are rare and far between. ended up writing 2 and 1/2 pages of one of my latest novel attempts, known here as HAK. it doesn't seem like much, but it resolved some of the mystery behind one of the characters. egads, but it's difficult trying to write for this genre; and yes, i'm talking about the latest to resurge on silver screen: vampires and werewolves. but i'm twisting it (hopefully), and making it my own (hopefully). but there isn't a huge market for that kind of writer in south africa. we had that film come out recently, 'Eternity', that didn't even show at regular theaters around here. it vanished amidst international reaching. but the point: ja, i'm not sure how this'll be taken. i'm modeling my style after S. Roit and Robin McKinley, blunt 1st POV in a place you think you know but don't. haha, i'm so cryptic! go read their stuff!

it's after 3pm and i desperately want to get home and into casual clothes, and maybe have a nap. i'm so tired, and i'm so angry at my body and mind! no matter what time i get into bed, it's only after 2 or 3am that i drift off; and then it depends on whether i've had a glass of booze or not, 'cause with it i sleep 6 hours straight and then in dead fits, or without i sleep/wake in fits and just take forever to get out of bed. MERDE!!

goodnight readers, and i'll see you all (in my imagination) next tuesday with some photos of 'the northern model', and hopefully some other crafty stuff that will give you a better picture of me.

chow

what to report...

sleep suffering...
manga saving...
hinge blueprints for 'the northern model'...

frustration and anger at myself for not asking sooner for the bigger studio space that has been vacant and waiting for the previous honours student and has now been taken by another masters student...

feeling ugly with any outfit i put on...

wishing for that someone to appear...

perhaps i'm a little sad. i miss my family and animals. i miss the routine here. as k9 put it, it's as if the CVA has lost interest in us. but why?

chow

studio whims

i think i've figured out why i feel so out of sorts with creating. i feel like i'm not welcome in the CVA. i have a few reasons why i think so:

1 - well, i've been shuffled along, and boxed in wherever i go into the medium they (the lecturer) insist on. so, i wasn't allowed to play around with combining things, as i'm want to do. last year, i wanted to mix modeling with stop-motion film and storyboards. got shuttled in to digital, and felt like i was banished from ceramics (which i had done my honours year in). and now been effectively rumoured out by primrose.

2 - i'm not a visual diary kind of person. it's all created and done in my head. i get the idea, use the skills i have, and build it mentally, and then make it. this doesn't sit well with lecturers because they refuse to enter your world and try and believe in your project. and the nuances and fine details of my project, i can never convey them on paper, so i'm always made to feel belittled because i haven't researched enough, or thought enough, or experimented enough.

3 - i don't feel welcome where i'm supposed to make things. the installation, 'the northern model', required me to chisel out rivets on a pc tower. i was told by klava to maybe (meaning, DO) do it after 4 because i'm disturbing manual in his class. so that means i have to either stay here late in the afternoon and evening if i want to manufacture something, or do it at home, which also gets me in trouble because i'm not here for them to see i'm working.

i could go into more detail of these points, but i think you get the drift. sigh... does this make me a difficult person? yes, i've been told often enough. but that doesn't mean you have the right to force me into the mold of the CVA of being reticent and all-obeying. this ain't boarding school! it's so frustrating wanting to be in this community, but always feeling pushed out because i drift over multiple ideas, disciplines and display. i'm tired of them always bullying me psychically and quietly. fuck off already!

chow

not the brightest of days

so. i've been having 3am insomnia sessions for the past 3 days. i can't sleep when it's dark, but put the sun outside my window and chances are i'm lying on my bed sleeping the exhausted. not happy.

also not happy with the current state of this week. has anything been done? i'd really like to think so, but it's all in my head, and when has anyone ever been judged and marked and critiqued on what is resting in their skull? nada. so i feel i'm at a nil of productivity, so the installation piece is coming home (i've titled it 'the northern model', but it's really drifting from the concept i originally had, but i'm going to keep it, if only to make people *really* pay attention and think 'wtf?')

apologies for not putting up photos yet (see above). also been collecting more pictures for pieces (i feel like i can put together coffee-table books with the amount of stuff i collect).

so, chow for now, hope you're sleeping better than me. please don't hesitate to comment.

the yesterday & film

so i didn't get in trouble. neither did 1/3 of the bunch of digital postgrads, 'cause we all assumed it was rescheduled to wednesday. so we're going to get a mini-intense research workshop summary later. i can't say i'm enthusiastic about the idea, as they're already killing us (maybe it really is *only* me) with theory. teak has us watch films as well, but honestly, i have to ask:

what is wrong with these people?
now, i'm talking about the other students here, all years. they seem to show a lack of feeling, or thinking, when we watch films, whether they're short, weird or long, there seems to be this total flatness. i don't think i'm immature for enjoying the film (or not) and expressing them in unstoppable sounds (laughter, aw, 'no!'), that a general audience would make at a showing. but no: i'm the only one. ahem: HELLO? ARE YOU PROCESSING WHAT WAS PUT IN THE FEATURE THAT WE ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING? gods, i don't know. and when you look at their faces... i get a slight chill, because they look *blank*. they're absorbing it like water in a sponge, but then it appears they leave it to dry: unlike me (i think, and hope to not sound too snobby), who absorbs it like sun in a sunflower: i go on to think about it, or bemoan, or get excited and start coming up with related but new ideas.
anyone care to explain this?

so far, the installation piece is... well, just going. i'm being technical like my dad, measuring and diagramming the tower and some of the things that go into it. sorting out how to turn it into a compact dollhouse that i can move, but also play with, or let others play with (not that i want them to, but it *is* a dollhouse, so i have to build it for that limitation). i wish i had thought of something simpler, but if i had and then made it, i would be really unsatisfied with myself. bleh... (pictures soon!)

speaking of bleh (i should say, 'typing of bleh x) little ol' me had a horrible morning's sleep, not because of insomnia, but dry coughing. ever had that? you can't breath through your mouth or nose without it tickling the back of your throat in a creatively sick way, and then you have a small fit of it, and water does no good. vok, jy weet?

just one more thing to bliggedy blog about: over her in good old SA, we have these voting commercials that tell this story of 'what i'm gonna be when i grow up', modeled after those ads for matriculants/seniors on the opportunities available at a certain university. they confuse the heck out of me, because it's directed as a university/college advert, but then at the end, it says "i love my country, i love south africa", the ad ends, and it says 'love south africa, register to vote'.
EH???
i don't get it. if i love my country i'll vote? okay, that is bs in my context. why, you think? because i would love my country if they made the political debates that are televised for our judgement available in a timeframe that i could watch without missing classes or work or sleep, and then could actually know what the hell is going on in my country to make a decision at the voting about the future of my country. it reminds me of the SRC voting we had 4 years back. each candidate set themselves up in the entrance of a campus building, pulled you aside and said "my number is this, go over to that booth and put my number down", and they really won't let you go (physically as well) until you do it. luckily, in that adventure, i managed to slide out the other door. but our voting/government/politics seem to act like that no matter what level of officiality they're on. uh, HELLO, i actually want you to tell me what they hell you're going to do, and what you've managed to accomplish in the past; i don't want this one announcement on tv when everyone is cooking, eating, doing homework, sleeping or whatnot, and then be told 'you must make decision now, even though you ignorant of our cons and pros'. seriously: BS!!!

ah, it's 3 o'clock. i can go home and rest now, i have been working/braining for +- 4 hours. and the work is going home with me (yuck, but ja).

chow

one of those days

hi all.

i think i've caught a bad luck streak along with my cold. i was supposed to go to a postgraduate workshop today, but i had it in my diary and head as wednesday :( so, i'm going to get mental-spoon-fucked by my lecturers for missing it. i did not intend to miss it, it just happened. fuck...

so now i'm sitting in my corner and being tired-nervous about what could happen in the next 45 minutes in our lecture period: are people going to show up, am i going to get kicked in the head for (on their assumption) missing the workshop, can i even work on my installation now, what?
i should have stayed home and worked on the props for my installation piece. but i needed to check email in relation to friday's unexpected update.

vok vok vok
i really did not need this kind of start to my week.

see you tomorrow

my corners

sorry for not making an update yesterday. i am sick and yesterday hit me really bad, so i spent my day sleeping and erasing pixels in my pjs.

this post is about the smallheadedness of lecturers! omgs, i wish i was allowed to scream at them and honestly shove their noses in their own arses!!!

i have been told that i'm not allowed to go back and use my space in the clay studio. um, excuse me? so you're telling me that my dad's money is being spent on renting a varsity mac (of which you made him BUY one last year for me because you couldn't spare a mac for my foray into digital work), and your (the lecturers) incredibly limited time (because you're absorbed in you own work and admin and the undergrads) and bullshitty advice??? so, about R20 000 is paying for that? ABSOLUTE BULL KAK!!! i am now so pissed off i could easily break something in your lovely 2D and 3D studio.

who do you think you are that you can tell me this? you're allowing lensey to do painting and digital, why can't i use the clay that my fees have paid for over 4 years?? hey??? explain this to me, oh great primrose. yes, take your time and make me feel like a child because i'm fighting for my own things and my own rights, and make me end up calling my parents and getting them to fight for me, and further devalue my self in this place.

you know i want out of here, because you all have become so fucking complacent in your positions that you think you rule everyone and everything they own and do!!!

i wish you were here right now to understand my frustration at all of you. you have made this system of becoming our peers in teaching, and then when we want to voice out objections, suddenly you put on your senior hat and say, "no no no, little idiot, this is how our world turns".

you know you should be shot. reprimanded. made to actually feel your own inadequacies in our education. you should understand that we're paying for your service. you're the server, i'm the customer. you're supposed to make my stay pleasant, make sure everything works, listen to our complaints and provide a solution, be there at our beck and call, guide us to grow. all i'm feeling now is petty and irritated at YOUR lack of any of these skills.

you are assholes. you know this, you are. what other student would you make buy their own mac, and then leave them alone for an entire year, practically learning all the software by themselves? klava was at least good: he showed me where things are, but even then, i did more of the teaching than you. YOU KNOW HOW MAD THAT MAKES ME FEEL? this department is sucking, because i'm virtually ignored, i'm made to provide everything, and through that, my parents have to pay for your inadequacies. you don't deserve my admiration. you don't deserve your degree to teach. you don't DESERVE my respect carrying on like this.

i am sick of your shit. and the worst part of this, is i have to suffer for this for 2 years because it is impossible for me to go establish myself somewhere else. yes, i have dug this hole. but you don't have the right to bury me.

do me a favour.

REALIZE WHAT YOUR FUCKING IMPACT IS ON YOUR STUDENTS.

shopping for an installation

i have very limited means :( totally sad face (and tired, and melting, and sick).

i have this idea to make a dollhouse out of a stripped pc tower, using the iceberg model, and i just shopped at the little mall that is a 15 min walk away. only found 2 out the who-knows-how-many props i needed there. that means i now have to walk 30 min to get to the other small mall that at least has a hardware store, but not today. today, i slog home and then melt and unpack. the 30 min mall will be the weekend. there's another mall, but that's a taxi or charitable friend away.

bleh...
why do i put myself through this shit? why can't the dump be closer? should i walk? hmm... that's an idea, but not a very good (or safe) one. that'll be a friend away. yuck.

so how else is my life and projects? not that great. but nothing in my corner of the world can be concluded as great. i'm an eternal optimistic pessimist: i'll give you good odds on failing dismally or just having to rethink an idea. but i tangent. so, the misplaced series is taking *so* LONG. i forgot how long it takes to erase a picture pixel by pixel: i'm still on the one i started last week! and i've totally changed my idea for the stereoscopic project, but i still have to build the damn thing! aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!

can anyone recommend a good movie that's available on dvd wherever they are? i'm thinking that tomorrow is a good day to veg with something that'll save my sanity just a little.

chow for now

p.s. i don't know when pictures will be coming. just getting the projects started is driving me to exhaustion :(

chu-day

japanese addict readers, you should know exactly what i mean by chu: kisses. but... i'm not talking about the sweet, hot ones you get from your love, or the family mouthies, or those tongue baths your animals give you. i'm talking about the meta-physical kind of kisses. sort of the smacks of life.

what on earth am i writing about? i feel like i've been given the kisses of death with regards to sleep. i sleep 2/3 hours, and then i wake up, and then it takes an hour to fall back asleep. and the start of each non-sleep cycle is an hour of hyper brain activity, where it seems every idea that i've ever had is open on the desktop of my brain, and all the links and other folders are open too. and *then* the cat nap takes place, and it's the concentrated form of nightmares/dreams where your mind runs a marathon and you wake up exhausted.
i am not having fun this week.
it's like my brain has been hijacked for a meta-sensory experiment testing the limits of consciousness within orgasmic neuron creative activity.
merde.

so, what am i doing this week? building a techno- dollhouse within a stripped computer tower, dealing with the iceberg theory of consciousness. kill me now... tomorrow till sunday will be searching for scrap and materials within my walking limitations. merde on 2 sticks. i'm also trying to finish a series of pictures posturizing and erasing on corel painter 9 & 10, 7 books about blogging and sense & perception, plus working out the mechanics of stereoscopic tools and 3D film imagery. talk much? yip. i'm a strange art student in my department. i visualize everything in words in my brain, and the art that they expound is the graphic drawn example on paper. merde merde merde.

i think i want to crawl into my heart cavity and reside 24 hours within that warm sticky place.
but that's totally cryptic and depressing.
i think i'll stick to stripping into something comfortable and crawling into bed with my teddys, a good couple of books, facebook and a cup of rooibos.

blah bleh moan. that kind of update today.

chow

search

just a short one today, speaking to the drawers, doodlers, crafters and artists out there.

how often do you OVER-collect resources? pictures, videos, books, materials... before you even start the work, you seem to have about a 100 things collected in little packets and folders and piles all over your workspace and home, and you end up using maybe two or three items of each. what's up with that? and then when the project or idea is over, you can't let go of the stuff. you think "next time!" or that you spent so much time and money getting them that you can't pass them on to other people working the same sort of strain of idea, or you're just damn possessive.

last weekend i finally got down to cleaning up my pc and mac. shew, what a difference! freed up 12 gigs on my pc, and 60 gigs on my mac. what a difference! but then i looked over at this HUGE packet i have of torn out pictures for my reference collage file, and i just go "eep..." where do i start on that???

let me know your stories of hoarding and waiting. we can make a little competition out of who's the worst ;)

chow for now

push

right, now i'm getting REALLY pissed off at the way things are being decided with me in the vicinty, and with a smile on their faces, with them thinking that i'll willingly do what they ask because i'm a nice person.

NOT!!!

i've had it with teak and klava (pseudonyms for my lecturers). honestly... they are scatterbrained and sweet, but i've been pushed around for the last 3 years because i don't stand up for myself, and now i'm REALLY going to put my foot down (through the glass of their enlightened castle). yes, i'm the student and they're the lecturers, but my dad is the one paying their salaries, and he's not one to mess with. AT ALL!!!

what am i moaning about, you ask? the usual: computer shortage, fighting for privacy... i want privacy when i work! just because i work on a pc doesn't mean that work's private: i want a nice little cave where i can express myself, TO MYSELF, without having to worry my incredibly small ego that i'm crossing my legs in a childish way, or that i'm chewing with my mouth open, or taking a nap. is that SO hard to ask? you can't get screens and pcs? well, then buy sheets and washing lines and i'll set up my own space. better yet. why don't i buy a tent? then i can really relax and work at the same time.

grrr!

chow for now

dreams

have you ever noticed how seriously WARPED dreams are? and i'm not talking about just the regular dreaming: i'm talking about the ones that are influenced by booze, extracurricular drugs, prescription drugs, herbal remedies, foods and other things you do physically to your body.

i'm not too sure i like my own subconscious sometimes. you know, it's all fine and dandy having those ones that are kinda like children's' books: simple, to the point and fun. but nightmares of poltergeist activity in your own bed that still haunts you hours after the dream? not fun. in my life experience, i have unfortunately managed to attract these bad vibes spirits, and they've never been fun. had them threaten me regularly in my own home where my parents lived for 2 years before they conceived me there, and what-not. i don't enjoy it. and i especially don't enjoy it when the bloody things come into my dreams (and yes, i even mean the cum, because my terror is their orgasm). it shapes the entire day, and today, all i've wanted to do is cry, AND not even from that dream, there was another.

i have to wonder, what kind of sick person am i that can end up with these dreams? okay, a chase scene i understand, that makes sense, but then zombies? intelligent zombies that are stuck in a semi-rotted state, like a victim of a car crash or bear mauling, and are not in actual fact zombies because their bodies are still living in that semi-rotted state? and then intelligent zombies that can talk and organize like regular twisted human beings with a vendetta for taking over the world and farming the non-zombies (i'm not talking resident evil or dawn of the dead clever, i'm talking full-on borg mentality WITH individualism)? okay, and then here's the kicker that should actually put me in a nuthouse, or asylum, or anti-psychotics: lesbian zombie porn. WHAT THE FUCK?????

i'm really disturbed by this. i mean, what does it say about me? am i sick, over-imaginative? do i have really bad taste in foods, that the kind i choose shit out this kind of psychic crap?

why am i telling you this?

i guess it's because this blog will be a... digital, realtime installation. you're the ones seeing it and deciding on it, and i'm the one showing and listening and responding to it. yes, i also want to get this off my chest, and maybe perhaps have you guys say 'omg, i'm that twisted too! let me tell you about it...' yip, that's what i want. also 'cause i promised an update on tuesday and i have yet to put my mission statement to paper about the purpose of this blog.

ja. chow mense

what??

might i ask whoever why the majority of the time clicking on "next blog" gets me christian sites/people??

NEW LOOK!

hey all.

as you can see, things have changed around here. i was *really* bored with the same template, and then i discovered the editing options. you're all probably going "no, duh!", but i've never been an active controller of my surroundings (why do i sense hound ears popping up at a curious noise?).

hope you like! i certainly do, *snicker*.

so what's been happening that i can freeload on you?
i can't say "not much", as this week seems to be the twister of sucking everything in that this department was sorely lacking on. suddenly, we have seminars, meetings, projects, enlistings to participate more in CVA activities, mentoring, competitions, crits... yikes, i say. no wonder i'm like a dead corpse today.

i'm cynically contemptuous of this change. mainly, i reason, because they never seemed to have this vooma in my undergraduate years, and now i'm *not* benefiting from this (or i am, but in a belated, "you're old news" way). i'm not too excited by the manner in which it was presented to us, it felt like a rifle execution, 'cept with forms & responsibilities instead of bullets. but, there ya go.

sorry about my lack in updating since last week. my family and i went to see rammstein, we only got back on sunday, then CVA meetings and seminars began. poor excuse, this happens to me though, i get strangled in on myself with the things that are officially going on, and then wear myself out.

so, i'm heading off for now, i'm definitely rambling. i'm going to try and find some other blogs on blogspot to link up with. see what happens!

chow

VLOG 2: apology

VLOG 1

sorta the begin

while i'm not too enthusiastic about blogging (face it: i'm human and lazy, and why should i bother when i have a facebook account where the people i WANT to see me, see me?), i thought:

hey. we made the account. it's a pretty neat name. i can really go ballistic because of the name. and what else is blogging, BUT being overly vain, binary masturbating, and just venting?

so here it is.

not much to look at yet, but hopefully that'll change.

to what purpose is this blog gonna be designated? well... i'm thinking that it could be part of my masters work. i don't know how it would be incorporated, but peur etre, it would let me off the hook for doing some work [insert smirk].

so, we're gonna have journal entries, woes of the system, random shit doing with masters, video, art, maybe live dissections, who knows? could be awesome. could also be hugely boring. agh, but so what? who's gonna look at this anyway besides some sympathetic friends and my supervisors?

here's a thought: do i really want to be this honest?

here's an answer: who the fuck cares?

chow ;)