ha, so what had been happening with me? i say again 'not much', because physical happenings are almost non-existent, and psychically i've been feeling as drained as a squeezed grape in a vinery, and mentally it's all been a bit of a standstill (like a pothole, only filled with useless sand). perhaps i should be apologizing (as i've now opened up my tags). but what for? abandoning you? in essence, you haven't really made yourself known to me, have you now? i just get hits, and as much as i like them, it is an abuse because you don't at least let me know what the fist or hand looks like. come on, people! respond! don't be just a peeping tom and watch without fear. let me know who you are!!
so. these past weeks have been a battle. a battle of time, will and health. you might not think it when you look at me, but i stress, i'm a tumbling waterfall over jagged rocks on the inside. it's all about fear, a fear of failure, of not being able to create my imaginings, my worth not living up to my ideals. yes yes, woe is me and all, but fuck off if you complain now and keep reading. i swear you would do the same thing as i am if only for a little recognition of one's condition, and some sympathy. but i think i lost my point. ah yes, fear. fear is a crippling thing. it's a sad thing. it's an everything. i think why i'm afeared is of the capability i might have, and the expectations that would come from success and completion. i'm not sure how other artists do it. you read so much about how they keep on doing and doing and constantly revising and experimenting until they have a whole store cupboard of failures and one success hanging in a dinky frame (well, painting is the easiest metaphor to use here). aah, it's a sad day when you can't have courage, or faith, or hope in yourself. you can have the love of your family, and maybe the love of your friends or partners, but that's minimal compared to self-love. where's the well of narcissus when you need it?
(yes, i am going down my tags here). ah, he community of the cva. all is quiet, all is still. i've coincidentally (and happily) missed the stress of the undergraduate final prep week before examination. i'm glad. they've been really stressed and really nasty this term, like cats after they've been spayed. it's not them as persons acting their natures, more like the environment pressing down on them and causing them to exude this horrible emotional mess of a person. BUT, as i said, i missed the big stress, and only witnessed a little bit of the before, so next semester is going to be interesting to watch over with the even shorter time frame. community-wise: really, is it just me being completely snooty and unapproachable, or is the undergrads that are being snooty and completely unapproachable? or are we afraid of each-other? the cva is generally cold (no central heating, just little wall-mounted heaters that smell like over-tumbled washing), but it feels as if the people are getting colder. i know i'm unapproachable: my mood swings are hectic, even for those who've known me long, and i guess i don't present a ready stereotype (read: IMAGE) for them to build a judgement on, but still... maybe i should make the effort? have you seen the first and second years?? hahaha, yes, i have made my argument redundant, yada yada...
i have now an official label for my work and myself as an artist for my MAFA work: an experimental animator. yes yes, i know i've made these big fights about lecturers putting me into boxes of their mediums, or their ideas of what i should do, but (i HATE that word!), now knowing where i stand, i know where i can go: i know the limits of my map! i know where the dragons are, and the done and contentious issues at either pole, and now i have to scout my way and make my own road. yeha! it's freeing, actually, knowing what i am for a while. i know my limitations, mainly that i have no bounds!! bwahaha, that is more scary than knowing my subject limits.
now here's a topic we're all shy about: privacy. know what i mean? how far am i willing to go in this blog about what i do and say and am? pretty far, i think. i'll tell you about me, my opinions, my ideas, and i'll moan about people or family. but some things i know will create an even bigger frenzy were i to say them, so i won't, so if you do want to start pestering me about that stuff, know that i'm not going to tell you! otherwise, our little room (for digital masters) has been hijacked as a storeroom for the undergraduate examinations. we not have tables, chairs and a noticeboard occupying our space, it's okay, it needs to e done, but honestly, i wish they would build or designate an area which is a storeroom! then they could put all the sculpture pedestals out of damaging and dirtying ways, and get rid of the excess easels that take up a whole studio space. free the cva from clutter! oh, wait, can't do that, that's part of being an artist: clutter, not dirt. gah...
ah, so i'm reading all my tags, and what else can i write about? portfolio? project? oh, wait! yes, i do have some projects on the be and by! i'm reading scott mcloud's books about comics, and they're absolutely brill! love that man's way of explaining, he is a true genius. anyway, it's got me thinking again about comics and wanting to do my own, and the one blog that's been vacant for so long (the abstract shoppe - tag is TAS). gawd, to get the storyline and all the characters coherent! i'm not good for solid, through-and-through storylines: i write everything in fragments. and i'm not that great of a drawer. but dammit! janet! i need to try! hee, okay, i promised myself i wouldn't add anymore projects to my quota, but it's exciting, and one that's been in the cogs for a few years. that, and HAK, they need to be *done* the end of this year for editing! OMG, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAAA...
okay, enough maniacal laughing. i'm such a planner, but not much of a do-er. i have such bright sparks of ideas, but then i never separate the flames, and i end up with a burnt mess, rather than little lamps of light and spirit. i guess i'm sick in that way.
on that note, good noon to you all, and i hope to read some of you. should i set up an email for this blog, then would you write me? comment on this post if you do!!
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