we are the lords and ladies of our own demise

nerves are very evident and prominent over here.
i forgot to tell you that yesterday, i sent a very irate and pissed email to pins about my old space in the clay studio. basically, me venting like shit and asking what the heck is going on. and now i've heard from teak that it has been forwarded to all the lecturers. holy shit. holy shit shit shit merde!!! i'm about to read the reply i got back from pins, so wait (in a metaphorical sense) for me to respond blogly.

well. that could have gone better. it's a bit stiff and formal, which is unlike her (which worries me), but it doesn't help me. pins says to talk to my supervisor (wait, do we have one? NO, not yet. i understood from the beginning of the digital postgrad seminars that we'd only be getting them after this semester because the lecturers want us to settle in and find our groove first before we start planning out practical and theory work), and if that doesn't work, our academic supervisor. hmm...

the point here is that all my arguments sound whiny even though they're not. i'm really unsure what to do now. in all honesty, i want to go home and sniffle myself to sleep, and get my parents to fight this one for me. but i shouldn't have to fight. i should be able to talk to these lecturers as student to lecturer, giving and receiving respect, and having my words valued as adult (sensible and reasonable). i should not have this fear of these blurred lines that has been created student to teacher. i am a firm believer of people being respected for their higher learning and authority, and dealing with that person on that intelligentsia class system (a bit like the japanese honour system, just a little less rigid). i blame a lot of my relations with people on self-esteem issues i've had in the past. my old piano teacher, aam, who yelled and belittled me for not getting my piece and practising right. the expectations and stereotypes of being an early developer. issues with the paternal side of my family. some of my teachers in high school that were leering perverts. an incident in my early childhood that has made me feel distant and frigid with friends and family.

now, i expect some readers are thinking "oh gawd, another whiner and pity-me party". well, that's me. that's what this blog is about: your perception of me. i want your views and opinions on what you read. i want your subjective view on my subjective material. why would you be reading this blog if you didn't want to peak into someone else's life?

so, i end this blog on a tear-clogged throat. i won't be in tomorrow, will be working at home, so i'll see you on friday with some pictures of last year's projects.

bye