studio whims

i think i've figured out why i feel so out of sorts with creating. i feel like i'm not welcome in the CVA. i have a few reasons why i think so:

1 - well, i've been shuffled along, and boxed in wherever i go into the medium they (the lecturer) insist on. so, i wasn't allowed to play around with combining things, as i'm want to do. last year, i wanted to mix modeling with stop-motion film and storyboards. got shuttled in to digital, and felt like i was banished from ceramics (which i had done my honours year in). and now been effectively rumoured out by primrose.

2 - i'm not a visual diary kind of person. it's all created and done in my head. i get the idea, use the skills i have, and build it mentally, and then make it. this doesn't sit well with lecturers because they refuse to enter your world and try and believe in your project. and the nuances and fine details of my project, i can never convey them on paper, so i'm always made to feel belittled because i haven't researched enough, or thought enough, or experimented enough.

3 - i don't feel welcome where i'm supposed to make things. the installation, 'the northern model', required me to chisel out rivets on a pc tower. i was told by klava to maybe (meaning, DO) do it after 4 because i'm disturbing manual in his class. so that means i have to either stay here late in the afternoon and evening if i want to manufacture something, or do it at home, which also gets me in trouble because i'm not here for them to see i'm working.

i could go into more detail of these points, but i think you get the drift. sigh... does this make me a difficult person? yes, i've been told often enough. but that doesn't mean you have the right to force me into the mold of the CVA of being reticent and all-obeying. this ain't boarding school! it's so frustrating wanting to be in this community, but always feeling pushed out because i drift over multiple ideas, disciplines and display. i'm tired of them always bullying me psychically and quietly. fuck off already!

chow